Author: (Wayne C. Allen)
Back in 1999, I wrote a bookÂlet called âThe List of 50,â a guide on how to find your life partÂner. Part of a series of free bookÂlets on aspects of relaÂtionÂships, âThe Listâ was a guide to decidÂing whom you want to be in relaÂtionÂship with, and then putting what you decide into action.
My clients, since then, have asked me to expand upon this conÂcept of conÂscious datÂing. So, I comÂpleteÂly re-wrote the bookÂlet into a 140 page book. In addiÂtion to revisÂing the strucÂture and conÂtents of the bookÂlet, I have includÂed comÂments from readÂers, as well as samÂple Lists of 50.
You may not recall, but I met you once a couÂple of years ago while attendÂing a sesÂsion with (a client of yours who is a friend of mine) as a quiÂet witÂness of your BodyÂwork. It was quite an intense sesÂsion, and I was very honÂoured that she asked me to attend and that you didÂnât mind my presÂence. One activÂiÂty she has shared with me is the infaÂmous List of 50 . This act of posÂiÂtiveÂly explorÂing my needs and desires was very rewardÂing. I have shared this idea with many of my friends and famÂiÂly, with many posÂiÂtive results and conÂstrucÂtive conÂverÂsaÂtions.
Not surÂprisÂingÂly, this List was a key comÂpoÂnent in disÂcovÂerÂing that the perÂson I wished to share my life with was in fact a very close friend of mine. He too comÂpletÂed the assignÂments, and through some soul searchÂing we realÂized that we were lookÂing for each othÂer. Though neiÂther of us had conÂsidÂered the act of marÂriage before, the idea of creÂatÂing a symÂbolÂic union natÂuÂralÂly appealed to us.
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Rather than hopÂing to find the right partÂner in life through luck or ranÂdom chance, Find Your PerÂfect PartÂner shows you the self-responÂsiÂble, pro-active approach that leads to solÂid results. There are plenÂty of good psyÂchoÂlogÂiÂcal insights for men or women here, whether youâre lookÂing to start a new relaÂtionÂship or not, but its real strength, to me, seems to be in helpÂing a perÂson figÂure out exactÂly what they do want in a partÂner and getÂting past the interÂnal filÂters that conÂtinÂuÂalÂly set them up with the wrong partÂner. Itâs anothÂer gem by Wayne.
~ DenÂnis âBooÂgie Jackâ Gaskill
Iâm pleasÂing myself over the fact that you are writÂing a book based on the List of 50. I find it ironÂic actuÂalÂly because the timÂing is rather impecÂcaÂble. I finalÂly, after 6 long months of emoÂtionÂal and physÂiÂcal celibaÂcy decidÂed to re-write my list. This time I did a good job, not a half-assed job as I was so used to doing in the past. I realÂly used the tools in the book; I examÂined my old patÂterns, past relaÂtionÂships and myself and came up with my true List of 50.
At the time I re-wrote it I was going through someÂthing with an old friend. As soon as I sevÂered the negÂaÂtive relaÂtionÂship I allowed myself to find the man that fit my list 100 perÂcent. I actuÂalÂly showed him the list and he laughed and said âYou wrote this after you met me didnât you?â I hadÂnât, as a matÂter of fact I had writÂten it about 4 weeks earÂliÂer. He and I have spent the sumÂmer togethÂer getÂting to know one anothÂer and each otherâs chilÂdren and we are enjoyÂing all that goes along with it.
I have also been using tools from buildÂing long and lastÂing relaÂtionÂships and I am findÂing that they are truÂly helpÂing me to not go back to old patÂterns. I am honÂest with him and with myself and I rarely give anyÂone othÂer than myself the powÂer to make me feel anyÂway. I find this one difÂferÂent in the sense that I have built my own secuÂriÂty and I no longer feel a need for urgency. I am not rushÂing things and still enjoy time on my own. WhenÂevÂer I see myself slipÂping into my old patÂterns I simÂply stand back and observe withÂout judgÂment and corÂrect where I am with self awareÂness and of course breath.
When I showed my List of 50 to one friend he comÂmentÂed, âDo you have a short list that us mere morÂtals could aspire to?â My answer was, âI had a short list and it got me my ex-husÂband. Iâm being more parÂticÂuÂlar now.â
Does anyÂone fit my list? Well, I have âtriedâ a relaÂtionÂship with one man that almost fits my list but a few of the very imporÂtant points were not met (high enerÂgy, engagÂing fulÂly in life being the most imporÂtant). HavÂing the list made it very clear. He remains a very, very close friend so thatâs a good thing.
I have âreunitÂedâ with a felÂlow I went out with some 32 years ago who has potenÂtial for fitÂting my list. I say potenÂtial because it will take time to know. We live in difÂferÂent provinces, which is a difÂfiÂculÂty, of course, but seem to be beginÂning to explore the posÂsiÂbilÂiÂty of relaÂtionÂship over the phone for now. (By the way, Iâve sugÂgestÂed he read the bookÂlet and write out his own list. Iâm kind of hopÂing heâll notice I fit his. Might not work that way but Iâm willÂing to take a chance.)
This latÂter conÂnecÂtion, made after I had writÂten my list, has me thinkÂing that it realÂly is posÂsiÂble that someÂone out there could fit it. so that alone has been benÂeÂfiÂcial.
A final thought. As I re-read my list (not quite daiÂly but freÂquentÂly) it is clear to me that besides the qualÂiÂties that are speÂcifÂic to anotherâheight, proÂfesÂsion, etc.) the qualÂiÂties I want in a man are the qualÂiÂties I work towards for myself. That is, being a perÂson of integriÂty, carÂing, comÂmitÂted to my psyÂchoÂlogÂiÂcal and physÂiÂcal health and develÂopÂment. It was interÂestÂing to note that. Not surÂprisÂing, just interÂestÂing.
I want to give you an update on the effects of my List of 50. I very much was wantÂiÂng a relaÂtionÂship in the spring and sumÂmer and, after writÂing out my list, read it often and gave it to a numÂber of friends, both as a âgivÂing it awayâ and as a request for fixÂing up.
I was also aware that I realÂly did need time alone to get deepÂer into my own Being, to learn to feel not just comÂfortÂable but hapÂpy with being alone. This fall, although there was still a part of me wantÂiÂng relaÂtionÂship, I clearÂly acceptÂed and decidÂed I more wantÂed to be alone, for the present at any rate. My life is full and I have plans to be away next year on sabÂbatÂiÂcal. A conÂscious relaÂtionÂship takes time and effort and I was hapÂpy to work on my self alone.
Well, as we know, givÂing someÂthing away seems to be the major ingreÂdiÂent in receivÂing. Three weeks ago I met the cousin of my friend and withÂin 3 conÂverÂsaÂtions we both knew this was for life. TimÂing was excelÂlent as we both had holÂiÂdays and spent a week togethÂer. The knowÂing only increased. He matchÂes 49 out of my list of 50! (And I already have a good car mechanÂic so I can easÂiÂly give that up.)
LovÂing has nevÂer been so easy, so sacred, so healÂing. Thank you.
** PaperÂback book, 140 pages,
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* PubÂlishÂer: The Phoenix CenÂtre Press
* LanÂguage: EngÂlish
* ISBN: 978â09877192â1â8
PaperÂback: $20.00, DigÂiÂtal EâBook ediÂtions $2.99, PDF $4.00